Arranged Vs Love marriage

Subject: Arranged Vs Love marriage Sat May 07, 2011 12:23 am

I wanted to know everyone's opinions: arranged or love marriage. which do you prefer? which do you think lasts? which do want for yourself or your kids? any success stories or failure stories?

Discuss

Posts : 62 Join date : 2011-04-24

Ok, this maybe for the Indian audience, but hey I do have something sharing with India now ...

For me I think Love marriages, but I love the idea of parents having a say. But that do not happen always, unfortunately .

In Poland there are some arranged marriages too ... actually throughout Europe (maybe not western Europe). In those versions the aunts and the mother or grandmother ... they arrange a date for their daughter or son, perhaps a public place/restaurant. They eat, get to know each other ... and they decide if they should marry. This way, the aunts and the elder women contribute to a marriage. It is not the Indian way, but a way nonetheless .

I've had a love marriage which had its own rough roads. But I can tell you that eventually the couple becomes more enriched with the blessings of he parents. Without those, true happiness and matrimonial security is not achieved. Which security? The security of your marriage and emotions, the clean and undisturbed character of your spouse (because him/her totally disconnecting with previous emotions, as important as parents, is not a good sign. Its a bad, an evil .. and it will give birth to more in future).

Parents on their part should atleast MEET THE GIRL or BOY whom their children select. Atleast talk with them, see if these candidates for marriage are good at heart. If they can be happy ... if she really does love him. If she is sincere and willing to make the marriage a success. If she is a polite and respectful person ... or he ... in any condition. They should not outright make things impossible by giving a statement without a basis. It is a sudden and unreasonable shock, which is enough to break relationships. I think, that parents should create examples in maintaining relationships properly, not breaking them.

Also, a healthy family gives rise to another healthy family in your children. Respectfulness, sincerity and moderation in behavior is priceless. Atleast that is what I feel

Posts : 211 Join date : 2011-04-17 Location : Sunny So. Cal

Excellent post Polki...Good topic Tiya...

My marriage is a love marriage but with parents approval...So I will say Arranged-love marriage..

Overall I would say arrange marriages have a odds in their favor as couple has to give and take, compromise and make it work..They are more open at making it work...Sometimes with Love marriage those things dont happen..Family's support is extremely important...Marriage is not just between the 2 but families too..

My one liner abt love marriage is "Marriage stays and love goes out the window"

Most love marriages aren't as successful as arrange marriages..

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

Excellent topic for debate tiya . I must say u come up with very interesting topics .

Arranged Marraiges for me . After whatever I have been thru in life .........and looking at whats happening around me ..........this is the conclusion i have come to .

They r not possible in todays age and era .............infact , they r fast becoming extinct now . Rural India still has them , but the metros r changing rapidly . More and more youngsters are growing up , saying confidently to their parents .....U don't worry , I will manage My own marraige .

Why do I prefer arranged marraiges ? Although I had a love marraige ?

Simple . Coz I wizened up with age . I understood what my mother had been trying to tell me all along .........that in matters as serious as marraige .........which are LIFE consuming decisions ..........EXPERIENCED ADVICE COUNTS .

Late teens or even mid twenties r really not capable of foreseeing the pitfalls of future in a relationship . But an aged adult can sum it up with a mere glance . For instance a young man of 25 may think marrying a girl elder to him in age and from another religion is no problem ......that it is the most wonderful thing in the world ........but his father or uncle can foresee ALL the problems arising from that particular alliance ............that she will age biologically faster than him , that there will be fights over what religion the children shud be brought up in ..........That the two families will never be comfortable and this may create a strain on the marital relationship forever . Of course , this may not necessarily happen .........but 75% of the time .........it DOES happen .

Each marraige is a lottery . Be it an arranged marraige or a Love marraige . Trust me .........after a certain time ........when the children come in the picture , ALL marraiges r in the same boat . But what Arranged Marraiges did was they sought to MINIMIZE the risk of marraige failure .

They looked into All these factors .......and here I am giving A Hindu arranged marraige POV .

1] If the boy and girl were from the same caste and sub caste . This made everything so easy . The boy and girl felt comfortable with each other as they spoke the same regional language , understood the same traditions and customs , ate the same kind of food .

2] If the boy and girl came from a 'good family ' . This was nOT a judgemental attitude . It had everything to do with gauging the boy's or girl's character . Enquiries were made discreetly thru many relatives and neighbours who knew the families , and character was determined before a decision was arrived at .

3] How much the Boy earned . And How much his father was going to bequeath to him as family property . These things were frankly discussed when the elders talked . My boy is an engineer .He earns so and so . We have bought a flat for him in Poona as his brother will be getting the old house we r staying in right now . Besides we have a country home in Konkan thats ancestral . We will be retiring there once both our boys will marry .We will come and go and stay at both our boys place if needed .

4] How much the girl wud give . This fact got highly distorted later ..........but trust me it wasn't so AT ALL .........it was merely a security measure for the girl as it was HER life at stake too . Just like MUslims determined the amount of meher for a girl , dowry was given with the girl in Hindus . Since the HIndu sons got the property , the Parents ensured that the girl wud get her rightful share at the time of her marraige itself , in the form of gold , in their LIFETIME . It was an investment made in the girls name for HER future and security . It was her STRI DHAN . No one , not even the husband had a right on it . She cud use it if a crisis arose .

The LOOKS were the last factor considered . Elders considered that the LOOK FACTOR cud be ADJUSTED if other factors were strong as Looks alone r not enough .

5] Prior to ALL this .........the horoscopes were matched by experts to determine if the marraige wud work or fail . Eighteen points in the matching were the minimum need . Thirty six points were the total points ...........and if thirty two points etc matched , it was regarded as an excellent match . If such a Guna Melan took place , often the ecomonic factors etc were ignored a little as it was strongly believed that the fortune of the girl or strong stars of the boy wud bring in propsperity in the future .

But the main purpose of horoscope matching was to ensure

No divorce

A sure possibility of children coz horoscopes studied the blood group by determining the Gotras . If a horoscope matched fine but indicated NAADI DOSHA ........the alliance was not pursued as it meant NO CHILDREN , SEVERE GYNAC PROBLEMS , Or RETARDED CHILDREN

No possibility of WIDOWHOOD OR DEATH OF SPOUSE .

It has to be remembered that these horoscopes were matched by people who had a deep and profound KNOWLEDGE of that subject . Their mathematical calculations were genius like . Today we see charlatans all around us and the horoscope matching pundits r reduced to caricatures in Hindi Films . I still remember .......my aunt .........an uneducated , simple village girl from Goa had been brought by my mother to Mumbai as she was looking for an alliance to get her married . My mother had shown her horoscope to one such knowlegeable genuine person in the field who had studied it and told her .........

Dont worry . She will marry a rich guy who has BUILDINGS on his name in the city . The proposal will come in these fifteen days only ........don't say NO . Come and show me the horoscope when it comes , but it will match .

My mom was incredulous . Why wud a rich guy marry my simple aunt ? But before the 15 days ended , such a proposal indeed came , the guy was from a family with an established architechture business . They had built buildings all over South Bombay . The leder son had gone to the States to take an engineering degree and had married an American girl without telling his parents . Deeply shocked , his parents handed over the entire business and properties to the younger son and insisted he marry a simple homely girl as a bahu . The same family who cud have brought one of the richest alliances for their son were in a hurry to marry him to someone simple and homely !

Needless to say the marraige took place and my aunt lived a happy life .

My point is not advocating astrology as a science ............my point was ..........such knowledgeable persons who studied the subject deeply DID exist and hence such guidance was INDEED available and made use of . These guys .....a select few in society , did not even charge MONEY for their knowledge . Their VIDYA or KNOWLEDGe was for SOCIAL SEVICE .

Our elders STRESSED and STRESSED that MERE LOVE is NOT sufficient to make a marraige work . SO many other factors r there . And ALL these factors were taken into consideration before arranging the alliance .

And inspite of ALL these considerations ..........still if the marraige failed , THE ELDERS WHO ARRANGED IT TOOK THE RESPONSIBILITY . They settled money or property on the widowed girl and her children etc .......and saw to it that she wud not lack food or shelter .

Today youngsters decide on their own , choose on their own , rush into marraiges thinking LOVE can solve everything . When the problems crop up , when bickering starts after the sexual attraction lessens , They cannot handle it and start running back to moms and Dads crying and angry . Blame games start , ugly divorces happen . The very same partners who appeared like angels over candle lit dinners , now appear like monsters when they demand alimony and custodial rights of children in courts . The children suffer in this ordeal , the prospect of a second marraige sounds BAD and RISKY as the first itself burnt the hands so bad , and the hapless parents cannot even die a peaceful death with the secure knowlegdge that their offsprings r well settled . They die in never ending worry .

The era of arranged marraiges gave us one remarkable piece of advice .......MAKE this MARRAIGE WORK . There is no MR PERFECT or MISS PERFECT . MAKING IT WORK is upto u . MARRAIGE is like any other business deal in life ..............BRING OUT THE BEST FROM IT SQUEEZE IT OUT WITH YOUR EFFORTS .

Those practical , impersonal advices worked wonders . Marraiges lasted as they were entered into with minimal expectations of perfection . They lasted for years and the companionship evolved into genuine caring and love .

I know , a lot of distortions took place in the arranged marraige scenario but I am merely talking of the premise .

Posts : 244 Join date : 2011-04-17 Age : 37

Hai Tiya,

Really a nice and a debatable Topic ,the one topic which I always love to see as a debatable one and to see the different opinions on it.
Was in a hurry to go out, will give my detailed views later.

But then will tell my option. You would have known my views and How I see things in Teen Sex topics itself. so ,as I said there, Being a old fashioned one,may be outdated, will always go for a Arranged marriage.

Kool Di has given a entire sum up and had all the points in her post ,nothing more can be added for why I go for it. Still will try to give my points.
Yes merely to say, Less Risk involved and Parents will be more happy because they have chosen the path for us, so going for that option.

Kool Di,for your Post.

cheers

(this is not sufficient)

Love you.

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

Thank U umi dear for liking my views .

Youngsters nowdays stress a lot on how LOVE shud be the basis of a marraige . I feel very amused ...........coz , frankly speaking WHAT do they know of LOVE ? They talk and act as if they know ALL about the subject . They r PHDS on Love and the older generations r khusad budhhas who don't understand the first thing about it .

Then where does this great LOVE go when the bickerings and fights start ? And when they come running to their parents , ranting and raving ? I NEVER thought he wud change like THIS .............and I NEVER thought She will do this ...............HE is showing SUCH a different side now ..........He was SO different BEFORE the marraige ........blah blah blah !

Go na , MANAGE ON UR OWN ...........now why r u needing parents ? Did u ASK them before falling in LOVE ? No na ? U guys did big big dialogues na .........how LOVE is the premise of marraige etc etc .........go , stop ur marraige from crumbling by upholding that premise !

But what I see most of the time is .........the GREAT LOVE is often shot to pieces by PRACTICAL NEEDS . What the youngsters thought was "LOVE" was nothing but mere ATTRACTION ..........a natural phenomena experienced by ANY HUMAN BEING . That attraction blinds him to many faults of the other partner initially . Once married , when sexual attraction wears off and you have seen all that there is to see , and children come in the picture .........tremendous bickerings start . The man gets tired of constantly pleasing the woman with false compliments and hearing HIS family criticized and HERS glorified , and the woman gets bugged to see him plonking his A on the sofa and watching TV , expecting her to dish out daily readymade meals for him and be ready for sex whether she feels like it or not . They start getting on each others NERVES .

The LOVERS then fight over practical things like

Who brings in the more MONEY that runs the marraige

Whose contribution to the marraige is greater

Who will do WHAT work regarding the children

Helping out in the kitchen

Spending Money

The Lovers who complimented each other with roses and chocolates start YELLING at each other to the point of one day saying F U .

I once saw a Marathi drama that described LOVE MARRAIGE very well . In it was a profound statement . It said that LOVE is like a cooked item that requires a refrigerator of practical supplements to prevent it from going BAD . This refrigerator is the supplement of Money , security and all those other factors that r necessary to a marraige . Without this refrigerator .......Love goes bad ......it rots or wilts away .

Arranged marraiges were hardly based on LOVE . Youngsters today find it very hard to believe that one cud marry a perfect stranger . Well , our grandmothers and parents DID . And their marraiges survived longer than the marraiges based on so called LOVE do . Children were born , relations were maintained , they even grew to lOve each other . Mind u , I am not saying ALL love marraiges go bad or ALL arranged marraiges r HAPPY . Nothing so specific . I am merely telling u the premise .

In fact , when the highly romanticized silly concept of LOVE is kept out while deciding a marraige ..........u arrive at a better choice making decision while selecting ur life partner . When u select him or her by noticing that he earns well enough to be a good provider , does not flirt round , has zero vices and avoids the bottle etc ..........u can THEN decide to fall in 'LOVE" .

Posts : 176 Join date : 2011-03-24 Age : 47

tiya229 wrote:: I wanted to know everyone's opinions: arranged or love marriage. which do you prefer? which do you think lasts? which do want for yourself or your kids? any success stories or failure stories?

Discuss

Mine too was a love-arranged marriage.
Marriage, be it arranged, love or a hybrid, is always a risk. There is no sure-fire formula or choice because it’s success or failure depends on the nature of the individuals involved ultimately rather than manner in which they were introduced.

When I was growing up my friends would say better to go for arranged than love because this way when the boy dumps you, you can blame your parents or make the responsibility of your future fall on them. This is why parents check boy and family.

Others believed love was better because it would be awful to live life with someone that you can not drum up enough attraction or enthusiasm for and marriage was not to the family but to the boy right? Parents picked unemotionally based on money, position, etc. old fashioned selection criteria.

I have to say on a personal level I agree with both arguments in some form or manner.

I was lucky to meet my hubby and not have had to make that choice. Phew!!

Ideally speaking, I would still go for the hybrid model even for my kids. Just arranged or love would not be the way for me.

I would prefer to meet the person (I do not seek bells and whistles and flowers and stars – just a honest respectful and respectable partner) and then ensure that both families were comfortable. You may not get a 100% acceptance at the onset but if both individuals hearts and intentions are honest the families will come around.

When you are in love the families don’t matter but as soon as your kids come into the picture my experience is that the family matters and the spouse’s desirability takes a back seat. The perspective of life changes.

IMO, there is no such thing as success in marriage as success and failure is felt on a daily basis with each new high and low.

People tend to last longer in arranged or hybrid marriages because they enter into the marriage with low or reasonable expectations of life ahead. Things are expected to only get better from there right?

People tend to find more personal or relationship strife in love only marriages as they walk in with rose coloured expectations and things usually go level or down from then on right?

Posts : 9 Join date : 2011-04-18

koolsadhu1000 wrote:: In fact , when the highly romanticized silly concept of LOVE is kept out while deciding a marraige ..........u arrive at a better choice making decision while selecting ur life partner . When u select him or her by noticing that he earns well enough to be a good provider , does not flirt round , has zero vices and avoids the bottle etc ..........u can THEN decide to fall in 'LOVE" .

Totally agree with this!!

The saying 'love is blind' is true as people easily get blind today in love (might b just affection) and when u become blind, u ignore some of the major things/faults in the other person. Before shaadi, u r ok with everything and everything is beautiful but after shaadi those same things become the root of the fights.

I dont know if love or arranged marriages r better (still in the line to get married:bounce:) but one shud not become so crazy and blind in love that they ignore or tolerate stupid things. The parents shud always b involved bcoz they can surely see and analyze the character of a person better than the girl/boy.

This is what I prefer:
Find a guy (my parents r doing that but I can find a guy too)
My parents and I meet the family and the guy
I talk with the guy
If my parents and I like him, things move further. Final decision is mine
queen

My parents and I have decided on this and I think this is the way to go nowadays!

Today, u cannot expect someone to get married without even meeting the person. I think it is better for everyone to find a middle ground. If the girl/boy finds a partner on their own, parents shud consider that and not say no right away. Same way the kids shud ask their parents opinion too.

Posts : 44 Join date : 2011-04-27

Nice question tiya
I think love marriages r safe dan arrange marriages hehe this is wat i feel. I find arrange marriages very weird

Sach me i dunno y!!!!! A woman dress up like a showpiece & den d boy's family visits her house to see her What a Face

I seriously find it weird, Y only women; it can b reverse hai na? Laughing

If u seriously love a person u shld confront it to ur parents may same caste,inter-caste bt u shld discuss it with ur parents. Parents shld knw abt wat u feel abt ur marriage & when r u going to take tat big step. This intercaste or came from different background topic i find it senseless Wats love got to do with tat ????????? Suspect

We don't plan for love it happens. We shld accept d person with his/her wrongs coz no 1 in d world is perfect! ex satish varsha satish is a gud case bt varsha has her faults still satish loves her n accepts her as she is ! Tats love 4 u

Marriage depends on love,trust,communication. I don't see this in arrange marriage anywhere. Love after marriage is sumthng like tat banda/bandi is forced on u silent

Abt financial status wen going into a marriage, d girl, boy shld discuss on it! Money shld nt b d issue it shld nt b d cross in marriage! I believe money shld b kept 2nd to love in one's priority. If u take money over ur head its bound to make sum damage!

There is saying tat a known devil is better dan unknown devil Laughing

means LM is defo better dan AM. If u still didnt got ur love better to stay alone! Cool

Posts : 44 Join date : 2011-04-27

koolsadhu1000 wrote:: Go na , MANAGE ON UR OWN ...........now why r u needing parents ? Did u ASK them before falling in LOVE ?
u can THEN decide to fall in 'LOVE"

Di, I think one eventually fall in love so where is question of asking ???? Love is a thing which happens & its not by deciding when to fall.There is no fixed date or time for that.

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

Marriage depends on love,trust,communication. I don't see this in arrange marriage anywhere. Love after marriage is sumthng like tat banda/bandi is forced on

It used to be there in arranged Marraiges too .........TRUST and COMMUNICATIOn . But it was on an ADULT LEVEL ..............an ELDERS LEVEL . The heads of the two families , after many enquiries , wud pledge this trust and start communication in front of society . Society played an important role in this trust and communication . There is a saying in Marathi ..........SHABDALA KIMMAT HOTI . Meaning , the word given .........the zubaan given by the elders had some solid value .

Yes , the LOVE factor was left out as it was believed that it need not be unnecessarily hyped . Which was perfectly sensible . Left to youngsters who think mostly with hormones , all the choices wud be made on lOOKS and the romantic flutterings in their hearts [ omg he looked at me TWICE !!!! }...........while the factors of survival wud be completely ignored . So Elders allowed the youngsters to have a say to some extent ............they were not tyrants u know , like the generation today thinks . They DID keep some of the choices of their Laadlis and Laadlas in mind , but all in all , they exercised their better judgement . For instance , if the girl wanted a very fair guy only ..........and the girls father found a boy who didn't smoke , drink or womanize , had no responsibilities of younger siblings etc as he was an only child , had an excellent job and prospects of going abroad etc ............but was dark .......The Father wud overrule his girl's choice by saying ..........ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS R JELLING FINE . U ADJUST IN THE LOOK FACTOR .

Nowdays youngsters believe they r entering a marraige on the premise of LOVE . Where does it go then after marraige ? Coz I repeat ..........After the children r born ...........both , arranged marraiges and Love Marraiges sail in the SAME BOAT . Life then becomes one big journey of survival , and bringing the children up becomes the goal of life ...........LOVE AND ALL FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW . The Goals of Life TOTALLY CHANGE . The same girl who was giving the guy so much importance before the marraige now gives importance to the children .......even more than HIM . Why ? Coz she has matured and now become a MOTHER . The children depend on her for survival . EVERYTHING changes ...................EVERYTHING .

The biggest mistake youngsters do while entering a love Marraige is believing naively that this love will remain forever , that it will never change . Thats EXACTLY what the Elders DON"T believe . They have seen too much of life to KNOW that ALL FEELINGS R TRANSITORY AND DO UNDERGO CHANGE . So they base a marraige on the factors that r NOT TRANSITORY ...................so that if the transitory factors indeed change and rock the boat of marraige .............the unchamgeable factors like financial security , support of families etc upholds it and it manages to survive .

Posts : 62 Join date : 2011-04-24

How do you know a man or a woman completely through the eyes of a parent? The money, education certificates, and a dynasty perhaps is visible through hard evidences. However, often the soft evidence of knowing someones character, personality and lifestyle also matters. Such information can be camouflaged in an arranged marriage. Lets be practical, a parent can only look in to a boy with a limit. Dynastic promise matters? I mean, does that assure all those qualities in the boy or girl? Maybe or not, but I would doubt it . Everyone must construct their own character, personality and lifetyle, they must chose their own believes. From home the influence can be there, but then increasingly in today's world with all the flow of information and all the lives getting more and more busy, children end up choosing their personality far earlier than they used to ... and this is a great change. Due to this, it is more to them and less to the "brand" where they come from, as per their internal nature. Externally everyone can play a role.

For a real love marriage I feel that "love" needs to be understood first. We immediately go to the next phase of evaluating "Love", without even going for that evaluation whether the union was due to love in the first place, or just was caused to an attraction through some form of lust.

Just like Love, lust have many variations. Even the voice of a person, or an accent, maybe the color or the physic, all can attribute to lust. Ask people, you will find that these were a criteria for them to chose. However, love is not of this world, neither is it tangible in nature. I feel, the meaning of love have been neglected badly by the commercialization of it, and thus people have missed the whole concept of what is love.

Love is beyond the material, I feel it has nothing really to do with attraction or desire. Rather love is composed of emotions and devotion. How many times do people think of it? Think of it, and then fall in love! For whom can you have emotions? What are your criteria of devotion? If you are a person who is serious for relationships, you will think on it and construct your own tastes in such a manner that it moves you to that kind of person who have such value system ... and then love happens.

The man who one should marry, to me, must be EDUCATED, no bad habbits (alcohol and drug), not too cool or party man (my personal view ), competent and keen to have a family. Manly enough to be committed to his role as a husband. Knowing these things can take time, then time should be taken... maybe 1 year, or 2 years! not less.

Then for those who are blessed with a working family, can bring their selection to the family and ask them to look into it. However, not force them to accept or reject. But if they reject, then sit and talk with them about it, discuss the reasons, give you logic, tell them why it is more likely that the relationship will be successful. However, here parents also have a role, to understand the time and nature of their own children. They should not regress society into caste, creed, race or religious barriers. It only causes strife in a world increasingly becoming a global village.

Perhaps in yesteryears some logics were relevant, but in today's, are they anymore relevant? Think on it which changing variables, and with life in an era which is increasingly shrinking distances.

About those exctiement, those free, restless emotions in those ages and premarriage moments ... I feel they are normal. People should embrace these colors of life which appears once only in different stages and points of life. They make life meaningful. Later on the same love can take a different season, but it doesn't mean that the last season was a life, or the current one is the only truth. These are only phases, and true lovers must move on helping each other ... and only the one who can adapt can survive in this world. e.g. we cannot blame that sexual urge or power when in bed with the mood ... but are be with that hormone all day long wherever we go? Does that mean the couple is not in love in the day, but only when in bed?

I feel children bring a new season of life. A committed couple, who united more on a spiritual scale (with understanding, based on values and support, simplicities) can handle such relationships well. Children can bind them together strongly ... if they have to break, they can break without the children too. How can a child be a reason of tragedy? Maybe I don't know, but the saints have said that child comes as a trust of God, and when a good couple acts as proper parents, God gives them a share of his own exalted station, as a bonus such that it gives then a whole layer of sky as a gift .

REASONS need to be evaluated. Affection streamlined. Careful people are always better than the careless. I don't know all the meanings of business in English , but I think that if it can be viewed through the eyes of economics, then the theories would even support a balanced selection, even trade-off, and a whole lot of different and changing variables to be taken into account for a prosperous relationship

But then Jesus comes into the scene ... ... its on Him. I mean, for all their belief system comes into play. For me I am His daughter ... so the Father will decide what He wishes for His daughter ... and for me (or us, according to our beliefs), I (us) must just try to be a committed daughter ...

So yeah ... a balance ... without a proper balance ... there can be no correct answer to this I think

Posts : 44 Join date : 2011-04-27

koolsadhu1000 wrote:: the romantic flutterings in their hearts [ omg he looked at me TWICE !!!!]
- I m nt talking abt fairytale romance di , one tat is serious

EVERYTHING changes ...................EVERYTHING . hmm not everythng !

The biggest mistake youngsters do while entering a love Marraige is believing naively that this love will remain forever , that it will never change .

Di,I dont think today's youngster totally go into a marriage on the basis of love. Yes love is d top most priority bt they r smart enough to consider the other options too. They first think of having a stable financial life & den decide to settle down.

Sorry I somehow dont thnk tat arrange marriage is better dan love marriage. Yes arrange marriage r with our concern of parents bt d same can b happened wid love marraige too.

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

Di, I think one eventually fall in love so where is question of asking ???? Love is a thing which happens & its not by deciding when to fall.There is no fixed date or time for that.

Oh yeah I know . I agree na . My only point is .........Then u manage on ur OWN after that so called love marraige . Dont come running to parents with complaints if it doesnt work out . While marrying , u guys [ here I mean Love marraige wallahs] give this excuse na............that LOVE HAPPENS . And u stubbornly MARRY UR CHOICE PARTNERS na saying MY LIFE , MY CHOICE etc ETc . Then be prepared , like real adults , to handle every problem that comes in the marraige ON UR OWN . Don't involve the parents in it , Let them live in peace in the old age . Coz Problems toh HAPPEN . There is NO marraige on earth WITHOUT Problems . Its just a matter of time , bas . I have seen hundreds of Love marraiges where the couple marry with lots of confidence but in a year or so come running to parents to tell them these tales .........

1] His Mother is a monster . I dont wanna live with her under HER roof . And HE doesnt have enuf money to buy a seperate Flat ........the Lallu . So Mommy Can I live with u ?

2] EEEKs their food SUCKS . I like OUR TYPE baba . { This from Inter caste marraiges ok .}So Mommy can I come here more often to Eat ?

3] He was so HUMBLE before Marraige . Now he is SO arrogant ! I wont go till he COMES to FETCH ME .

4] I don't want MY kids to be brought up with his Mom's WEIRD Baby Sitting . Mommy I wanna keep the kids with YOU .

These r the MOST common examples . I can give plenty more but This much I will give for now . Now U tell me ........is this FAIR to the PARENTS ? Look at it from a Parents POV . They brought us up , raised us , Did their duties .Now its THEIR time to relax and live their old age in peace . While marrying if we did not take their opinion , why burden them with the problems of our decision .......with WHAT FACE ? If we cannot get along with the inlaws , WE must work on it , If we Hate their food , WE must learn to like it or cook our own , If WE dont want THEM to raise our kids WE must leave our job and look after them the way WE want to . Why run to our old parents and Harass them with our never ending problems ? Most people who do Love Marraiges DO THAT . Im not saying ALL . But MOST , yes . In India Toh MANY . And I object to the unfairness of THAT . If Elders opinions r nOt taken into account while deciding a marraige , Dont BOTHER them with ur problems too .

3]

Subject: My views Wed May 11, 2011 12:53 am

Earlier I used to think that there is no real problem with love marriage and arranged marriage. Both marriages survive on trust, adjustment, communication and understanding.

Both are risks.

Arranged marriage has its benefits cos you know the family well, the social structure is similar and basically it is very convenient for all.

Love marriage is good cos you know the person whom you are getting married to and you have a rapport of sorts with him. He helps you adjust in your new life. You know he is good for you and vice-versa. Understanding in the initial days goes a long way. And nowadays no one goes after love blindly. People genuinely analyse everything- all factors and then say yes for marriage.

The difference ends there. An intolerant, non-understanding person cannot adjust in either. After the marriage is done it is solely upto the partners to see how they adjust.

Marriage is not a bed of roses and that is what is to be understood in both th marriages. The problem is only that this 'adjusting' doesn't come easily in love marriages cos of a notion:

"I didn't chose my partner myself just so that I would have to adjust so much... meri to love marriage hai yaar... why aren't things hunky dory for me? This was not what I had expected!"

Cos in a marriage, nothing is hunky dory. You have to MAKE it hunky dory. If you think that love marriage leads to that filmy sort of happiness- wake up and smell the coffee.

But I would still recommend Arranged marriages to everyone. Why?
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Cos the marriage of an acquaintance of mine broke bcos of that NADI DOSH that was mentioned by Kools. It was supposed to be a love marriage- they had been going strong for more than 6 years- they were childhood friends. Both the families liked each other and everything was perfect.

But the girl had Mangal dosha. And when Kundali was consulted, it was seen that both of them were HORRIBLY mismatched. Plus Nadi dosh. It translated into:

No child
Divorce within one year
Mental and physical problems to the girl
Probable death during childbirth.

Despite my best attempts to shrug it off saying 'arey yeh sab bakwaas hai' I couldn't do it cos I know that this is a science which is very true. NAdi means pulse. It is a type of compatibility between partners. Ailments are associated with each NAdi, like Madhya Nadi person suffers from one type of ailment more and so on.

That match was the most perfect match I had ever seen but it broke bcos of kundali. Nothing could be done.

It is ONLY for this reason that I feel arranged marriages are better. Cos in a love marriage if LATER you get into all this kundali stuff, and then kundalis don't match, then it becomes difficult to get over your failed love affair- cos the attachment is strong from both sides and both are forced to separate despite everything being perfect.

Trivia about me:::::: I have no Kundali Cool

My Kundali got lost long long ago. I don't even have my birth time, so I can basically go for both- love and arranged marriage. cheers

And love marriage for me means that saying yes to the boy only after analysing completely ki what will my parents think of this guy. Question

For me the perfect guy is jo parents ko bhi pasand aaye... so I guess it would be arranged + love and not really only love. Wink

Posts : 44 Join date : 2011-04-27

@di d same thng happens in arrange marriages too & wen d girl cums to thier maaika u knw wat response she gets Ab vohi tumhara sab kuch hai tumhe usi ke saath zindagi bitani hai Ago toch tucha sagla aata tyach barobar tuka aayush ghalvave lagel wats this? I do agree this happens in love marriage too bt u can give it thout tat once d person loved u, dey shld thnk of settling thngs down.

N abt parents pov yes i agree it isnt fair to parents. Y cant u leave dem wid peace bt not all do tat those who r air headed [vaishu types] or not so mature abt this marriage thng usually end up like this.

Wat if an arrange marriage doesnt work putting d whole blame on parents is ok jus coz dey chosed him/her for u Nah! d thng is parents leave it to thier children to talk, meet wid d guy/gal of their choice. Now here onwards its onto d couple how dey manage this relation. If d couple is nt successful in thier relation y blame parents ???????????? juz coz dey chosed it for u. This is just a way to escape from ur mistakes of not able to manage a relationship.

While marrying if we did not take their opinion , why burden them with the problems of our decision .......with WHAT FACE ? I said in my earlier post dat be it love marriage confront it ur parents as dey have d right to knw!

Wat i say here is both in AM & LM parents do gets headache bt sumwhere its love marriage that is stable

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

Wat i say here is both in AM & LM parents do gets headache bt sumwhere its love marriage that is stable

This is where I disagree the most . That Love Marraige is more STABLE .

It isn't . It has the SAME amount of risks ANY marraige has ............be it an arranged marraige or a love cum arranged marraige . After the children are born .........ALL marraiges become ONE . They r then nothing but JUST A MARRAIGE .

I may sound cynical and unromantic here ...............but I have seen far too many Love marraiges crumbling to believe in its EVERLASTING LOVE concept anymore .

I have seen high school sweethearts divorcing each other , childhood romances that culminated into marraige ending in adultery , Bitter fights with hands being raised , Ugly divorces in which each penny is accounted for by the same people who professed to love each other so much that they were willing to die for each other .

As u said , these risks r in arrange marraige too . My point is only this ...........That when Elders decide things , they have far more experience in gauging these problems than the young ones who innocently believe in concepts like EverLasting Love .

Why do arrange marraiges FAIL today ? Not bcoz the premise is WRONG . The premise is actually very well crafted and correct . They fail as we fail to understand the criteria of the premise . They fail as we don't go about it in the RIGHT way .

Arrange marraiges have a higher success rate when the couple married is YOUNG . Why ? Coz The younger ur , the more is the adjusting capacity , the more malleable ur to accept the changes Life after marraige brings .

Today we see Marraiges arranged for 27 year old girls etc . Now tell me , HOW will these arranged marraiges work ? The girls r NOT willing to change at THAT point of their life ..........they r hardened already , set in their way of thinking , more attached to their own family , Totally NOn Adjustable in any way . So is the guy .........who is perhaps even older . A girl of 20 is more open to change than a girl of 28 .

If LOVE marraiges were more stable .........the WEST wud not have such a high divorce Rate . Here the concept of an arranged marraige is something almost non existent . I know that European countries r very conservative and cultural . But if u take countries like the US ........they r ALL for LOVE mARRAIGES only . Yet we see them crumbling all the time .

They shiver at the thought of marrying someone who one hardly knows like we Indians do . And yet ............after KNOWING someone and THEN marrying .........Where do their marraiges last ? Sometimes to be SURE about their choice they marry AFTER Live In Relationships . YET many divorces happen .

Shraddhu ............u said ............The idea of dressing up like a show piece when the boy's party comes to see the girl is so embarassing to young girls today . But Don't we dress up when we go out on a blind date or a Date fixed by our friends for the first time ? Don't we want to look our best then ? Don't we dress up for our every meeting with our boyfriend when our love story is going on ? We DO want to look our best then . Forget this marraige business .........Dont we dress up when we go for an interview for a job ? Looking our best at important junctures of our life is something COMMON ..........why make such a hoo haa about feeling like a show piece when someone is coming to see you ?

And its NOT just the girl who dresses up .The boy comes dressed up too , doesn't he . So does his family . Hell ...........even the ELDERS dress up .

I feel the LOVE factor is greatly OVER HYPED by the West . The love that POLKI talks of is NOT something that 90% of the human beings understand . The common concept of LOVE is actually only attraction . And That attraction wears off soon . Where do youngsters do the LOVE that Polki has talked off . They behave like selfish brats most of the time . Girls feel that the boy must constanttttly pamper them . They feel .........when the boy constantly LISTENS to them its LOVE . The moment the poor chap starts opining on his own , they feel INSULTED . The boys feel the girls should constantly adjust their careers as HIS career is the MAIN thing . Etc Etc .

So many practical factors shoot the LOVE to pieces .

My cousin got a YES from a rich guy , a Doctor , who was from a very well settled family . She was very beautiful , and hence a little arrogant . The Doctor's brother was in the Gulf . Since he was coming down for some business , The Doctor's family suggested that a marraige date be fixed that time only as the Doctors brother could then participate in the marraige . U see , he was his ONLY brother and naturally they wanted him to be part of the marraige .

This cousin of mine did a big HOO HAA . No No , I want to get to know the Guy MORE . Three months isn't enough . I want to go out with him for AT LEAST six months to know him . This and that .

Well , the boys party was informed . They were decent and good people , they agreed . The Doctor himself came to meet my cousin and understand her POV . He listened to her condition . His brother flew back . And Had to come a SECOND time in just 3 more months at the risk of dspleasing his superiors just to satisfy this girl's .......honewaali bhabhi's condition .

The cousins Father was greatly upset at the obstinacy of his strong headed daughter . He , poor thing , of the old school of thought , was constantly worried the guys family wud take offense and reconsider or something . He did not want this alliance to break ............all the factors were jelling so WELL . The guy even looked HAndsome .

He wud constantly tell me .........PLZZZ make her see sense . See how stubbornly she is behaving . See how much inconvenience she is putting them thru .

But my cousin sister was adamant . NO Way . I WANT to know the boy MORE . After all its a question of my LIFE . My LIFE cannot depend on the visit schedule of his brother . This and That .

You know ......to the educated young generation of today .......her arguments will sound very logical . But an uncle of mine who was hearing all this asked quietly

And ur so sure u will KNOW him at the end of seven months ?

Well , the marraige took place as she desired . They r happily married and have two boys etc but today the same girl remembers the Uncles comment and AGREES to what that experienced voice said . She acknowledges that even if she had married after 3 months ............there wud have been NO difference . Coz she got to know the REAL man only after she started living with him , and after the children were born .

She now feels sorry for putting them thru such inconvenience .

Posts : 244 Join date : 2011-04-17 Age : 37

Hi all,
Already told with which I go, Yes opted for arranged marriage. so giving my points on it. Not to give any judging opinion.Its not at all like that. Both are nice ones. Actually Love cum Arranged is very a nice option. Just trying to give my views on what I prefer.

Any marriage,only the journey to it differs. After that its going to be the same path where adjustments,Happiness,Sadness,children and everything in Life lies(May be a rocking path too-But same one). From my POV, the better thing to go in that path successfully with Happiness is one has to let himself/Herself Go for each other's sake.
This letting oneself go for other's sake will happen mostly in arranged marriages is what I think.
The reason is simple, yes the bride/bridegroom is going to be new, almost not knowing anything fully. This is what will keep the expectations less and adjusting capability more which leads to stability.
Because from what I have seen, who have loved each other,most of them dont know their other sides,have high expectations with what they had know about each other and after marriage it ends at a different note.

Anything started with a blessing would be more opt. So parents wishes are more important and their experiences weigh a lot.
Thats why I said,for love cum arranged(with blessings), then I am fine with that too.

Kool Di,Talked about Horoscopes. Yes ,i too see a weightage being added to it. I dont want to get in my personal here telling about my Mom-dad. But then wish to say this. They used to fight a lot but at the same time,at the end of day,they need to talk to each other. One will not survive without other. so one day when My mom was talking about the horoscopes,she said hers was the best match for my dad, thats why my grandfather selected it.
I was funnily commenting on her that, oh best match,thats why you both used to fight a lot as if it ends in havoc. Then she replied me that, May be that is the reason why even after such fights we love to be together and easily sort out the fights and bonding to each other well.

Yes,its true. So,I too find some credibility in it.

Then some may say that, you dont know each other before,its a commitment and arranged marriage has less love and passion.

I would say no way. It as the same depth of love,passion as that in love marriages.

Yes,it starts of as we are committed to each other. But the same thought she was my girl/he was my man ,I had to take care of him/her, we belong to each other , He/she has come into this relationship trusting me will lead to wonderful love cum passion life and a more stable,understanding life.

I say stable ,because in arranged marriages, only knowing each other,Loving each other remains which will surely happen on good note. all other issues as been made stable by parents with the way they go for the marriage for their girl/Boy.

so in short,Parents Happiness and support,Less risky, a Good better half ensured ,stable life,so going for arranged marriage

But had to accept,which ever marriage is today,it is rocky. Not as stable as our previous Generation ones.
Tolerance and adjusting capabilities have become less. adaptation is not there. One sticks to what he/she thinks and not letting go themselves.

Posts : 577 Join date : 2011-03-24

I say stable ,because in arranged marriages, only knowing each other,Loving each other remains which will surely happen on good note. all other issues as been made stable by parents with the way they go for the marriage for their girl/Boy.

Yes . ALL other factors r made stable beforehand by the elders ............all the KEY factors . Money , security , adequate food and shelter . They take care of these factors and let the boy and girl free to explore each other emotionally .........with no worries on their head .

The blessings of the elders were not merely verbal then ..........they were in a concrete form . They took care of so many things and made marraige so much easier . Why do youngsters fail to see that today is something I never understand . They feel arranged marraiges r so terrible ..........its marrying a STRANGER ! No , I feel like telling them ........it ISN"T . EVERY man or woman is a stranger till u bed him and have children and see his REAL nature from close quarters . 80% of the divorces in love marraiges have this statement ........

I don't even KNOW him anymore .Its as if I am living with a STRANGER . { Now if u LOVED him and felt u knew him from AGES etc etc , how come he has suddenly become a stranger ?}

I repeat .........ALL love marraiges do not fail . But what I am saying is ........when the responsibility is just on your young lonely head , it i a big burden . When the responsibility is SHARED by others ..........Like the parents etc .........Life is more EASIER . The risk factor is always there . In BOTH cases . But in the latter , the risk becomes easier to face .

Posts : 244 Join date : 2011-04-17 Age : 37

Hai all

I just received this small message on my mail. When I read it i felt nice. And as Here also there was a topic on this, I felt like pasting it here. Smile

For everyone who desire to go in for an ‘Arranged Marriage’

The woods were lovely dark and deep. Walking slowly beside her, in the

damp mud road, was her husband whom she barely knew. He was very

relaxed, happily watching a group of kids playing at a distance.

Her "mehandi" was still dark and smelling fresh, reminding of the

excitements and tension 2 days back. "It cant work this way

mom...please stop this", she kept telling her mother till the last

moment,who wouldnt listen but carry on with beautifying her.She had

been crying all night and her make-up had to be patched up twice or

thrice to hide her awkwardly swollen face.

It was too late now.She had to get married "NOW" to the guy...The guy

whom she had seen once and talked thrice.The guy about whom she knew

nothing at all but for his name and work.Everything happened in a

hurry and everthing was over before she could breathe again... here

was she with this guy, all alone in this hill station.... how can

anybody send their daughter such a long distance with a stranger???

"Hey look at that....!!!" he shouted in excitement... she shrugged and

looked where his finger pointed...

Bright colored balloons dotted the sky. Children were jumping in joy

and he seemed to be completely absorbed into it...colors are always

exciting...but not now.She was not with her friends, not with her team

mates, not even with her parents. This was not a 3 day tour or team

building trip.This was her life and she has been forced to start off

with this person.

Loneliness and discomfort with this stranger was sickening....She

looked at him in wonder... does he even realize that he has married

me?Does he understand that he has to love me,protect me,care for me,a

new girl,a stranger,all his life?

The marriage morning started like a daylight nightmare for her.The

first time in life she felt she should have fallen in love and then

married somebody. some man who she would have felt more comfortable

with, someone whom she could call by name and introduce to friends,

someone whom she could trust. But marriage morning was obviously not

the time to think all these.

Her parents would never have said "no" if she had declared that she

was in love.But she was not emotionally attached to anybody she

met,especially guys.She was very friendly,playing,teasing, but never

had second thought for any man around her.That brought the entire

responsibility of looking for a groom on her parents' shoulders.Her

parents had had a very bad time with this entire process.They started

their groom search with unending "&" operation. The concatenation of

"Horoscope matching" & "Decent family" & "Good looking" & "Good pay" &

"same cast" & so on... that always gave 0 output.Now after all that 8

months hunt,they were not ready to hear her "ifs" and "buts" for this

'good guy'.

She had explained to her father.She does not feel anything for this

person.He is nothing more to me than any guy.Like list of names she sees in the chat rooms. Distant

and usual...Her father asked her to talk to him and even meet him and

discuss their likes and dislikes.That meeting started like the

induction programme self introduction and ended like a 3 hour

seminar..She was waiting to get away from that place."So did you talk

with him?"."yes"."was he polite and decent"."yes"."Oh he got that

special flavoured tri-color icecream....!!!".OK.All her family and

relatives discussed...She was given the chance to "understand her life

partner" and that they have understood each other "well" and she is

ready for the marriage now.

All arrangements geared up and it was 24 days after her first meeting

that she was getting married to her man... perfect match as everybody

else described.Marriage hall was full with excited people, kids got

the chance to play,ladies got the chance to wear the silk saree.The

smell of rose and jasmine filled the hall.Different poses for the

photographer and atrificial smiles for the videos.The moment he had

tied the sacred thread was unexplainable vaccum in the head.It was

over.She was his wife.Accepted by the society and law.Her proud

parents were relaxed.This was their duty they had been planning to

fulfill since she was born.All this crowd will fade away,leaving her

to explore her new world...

He pulled her hand gently to sit on the stone bench.The bench was wet

and the chillness was indeed enjoyable."So what are you thinking

about?"... that was an unexpected ball.should she reply?should she be

silent?She remembered the two hour presentation she had taken last

month.Bold and confident, she kept answering all the queries with a

broad smile.Now she remained silent."Do you know honey.... I was not

for this marriage too..." Oh my God... what did i hear??? did HE tell

that or did i think aloud? what does he mean?didnt he like me?was he

forced into this? He must have noticed the quizzical look on my

face...with a gentle smile he continued..."I wanted to look for a girl

myself,buy her everything,care for her,argue with her,laugh and cry

with her,then get married to her... Anything otherwise would be a

drama. Traditional drama and i was not for it anytime. But my love for

my work and also my stress would not give me time and mind to search

that girl...When your parents talked to me 2 weeks before our

marriage, about your fear of getting married,to a stranger, i could

completely understand your mind. I could see myself in you and that

was the moment i decided i will marry you.There was no time to prove

myself to you,make you trust me,everything happened in a hurry.But

there was the entire life before me, to please you,to love you, to

make you trust me.This is no less than what i had dreamt,the girl i

was waiting for,is you.Now tell me... will you love me???" Tears came

down her cheek.Her parents had done more than their duty.They had

found her the perfect guy. Thank you Mom!!! Thank you Dad!!! His

question remained unanswered yet both knew the answer....

How was this. for me it seems , it covered up the thoughts we had on this. Smile

Subject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage Fri May 20, 2011 5:54 pm

Umi
that was a great article.... thanks for sharing..
i had a arranged marriage...i understand wat the girl feels initially.. but i had abt 8 months between the time we were engaged adn married which i think is a great time to evaluate ur comfort level with each other...
my single friends ask me how do u know.. i think u know.. u will definately know if u can spend a life time together or not. i cannt explain scientifically but some how these things fall in place... but for that u need to approach the whole subject with a open mind ... and also be sure of wat u r looking for.. then u wld know if he is guy for u or not...
also its best to keep oneself open to change.. cos i feel as life changes , our likes/dislikes also change.. we shld be little flexible and we will surprised as how well we adjusted to the new home...
all my single friends have the same concern how to decide in few hrs .. but i feel u can and also now a days usually there is some time to interact before the wedding to know how compactible you are with ur prospective partner..

Posts : 244 Join date : 2011-04-17 Age : 37

pallai wrote:: also its best to keep oneself open to change.. cos i feel as life changes , our likes/dislikes also change.. we shld be little flexible and we will surprised as how well we adjusted to the new home...

Very well said Pallai. Exactly which is the essence of a happy family and for a new start.
totally agree. Because I too know certain people , who hadn't got adjusted and find fault with all in their new home which ended ,you know where.

And yes the article was cute for me. especially the end.

Thanks for sharing yours Smile

and I too feel the same.

Subject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage Fri May 20, 2011 6:12 pm

Kools i dnt agree to your point that arranged marriages for older girls are at higher risk than young girls.
first of all, now a days its difficult for women to marry before 26-27 cos by the time we finish our education we are 20 then higher sytudies and then we want to work before getting married ( so that can contribute to our family and also save up for the marriage ) and then searching .. i think the new trend is 26-27 yrs.

I my self got married when i was 27. also i feel women at that age are more mature and can adjust better than young ones who are 20-21 , who have not ventured much out of the comfort of their maternal home.

I know a counsin in my husbands side who married a girl who just finished her studies, arnd 21. she was totally immature.. couldnt adjust well since had not worked at all her mom's house and almost everytme took off to her mom's place...
she hardly participated in any of my husband side's function.

i feel women who work, see the world, know the value of money are better at adjusting and managing the family and household. i dnt want to generalise saying all who marry young are naive or too childish. the above example was just saying 1 case....

but generally i feel 25-27 is the ideal age to get married, also bcos nowa days our priority to study and work take up that much time.

Subject: Re: Arranged Vs Love marriage Fri May 20, 2011 6:20 pm

umayal wrote:

pallai wrote:: also its best to keep oneself open to change.. cos i feel as life changes , our likes/dislikes also change.. we shld be little flexible and we will surprised as how well we adjusted to the new home...

Very well said Pallai. Exactly which is the essence of a happy family and for a new start.
totally agree. Because I too know certain people , who hadn't got adjusted and find fault with all in their new home which ended ,you know where.

And yes the article was cute for me. especially the end.

Thanks for sharing yours Smile

and I too feel the same.

yes umi, as you know... i was born and was in chennai and i moved to mumbai when i was in 5th std and after which i was in mumbai until i got married...i was so attached to mumbai.. though i always visited chennai every year since all my relatives re there.. i wanted to settle down in mumbai.... i got a opportunity to work in pune and i was woirking there for 3 years,, gng to mumbai on weekends.. i was first so apprehensive to marry some1 from chennai cos i felt i will break my tie with mumbai.. but now that i am married .. i know i can live in any corner of the world as far as my hubby is with me.. its not that i hated chennai .. but now i love it even more cos my inlaws and my parents are both there... its actually convenient now .. that we visit we need to only plan to visit chennai and not worry abt gng to mumbai/chennai...

anyways wat i was saying is.. wen we are young we feel we like somethng so much we think we cannt adjust,, but i think we shld always give life a chance.. u may never knwo when u will surprised....

Posts : 93 Join date : 2011-04-18

awwwwwww, thanks Umi thats a sweet story. cheers

Pallai well said about marriage and the age issue. cheers

i'm not quite sure where i stand arranged ya love... Neutral

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