Arranged Vs Love marriage

Very nice story Umi So cute It describes the innocent love

Wow Loved reading everyone's views

I would like to say something I cant think so deeply as i dont know much but would try to express

Adjustment is the main aspect of marriage , whether love or arrange , girl and boy needs to adjust to each other's likings and dislikings
If even a single person is not able to adjust, marriage becomes miserable
So for any marriage to survive maturity needs to be there in both the parties

Marriages fail and survive be it love or arrange Luck,love,understanding,ability to adjust also plays important part
If a gal or boy has adjusting nature then the marriage but survives but if either of the two is not willing to adjust only then love or arrange, marriage turns to a disaster

Well at this age i prefer love marriage.. May be my views would change later but now it is love
Love is the most important part of life A marriage without love is very boring
Yes we can fall in love even after marriage but what if we dont What if we remain only attached and not in love with him or her
In love marriages we know the person, his family knows us , we are comfortable with each other So life after marriage becomes easy Purely my opinion

On a lighter note " A known Namuna is better than an unknown Namuna "

Well obviously I am not married so read my views with that in mind. I don't agree that arranged marriage is more stable than love marriage. Certainly it is less UNSTABLE but since marriage is a coming together of two families, I doubt you can ever call it stable. I have seen both love and arranged marriages fail and succeed. In an arranged marriage elders take care of the "hard factors" such as religion, caste, income level, kundali etc. etc. In love marriages the individuals think they take care of the "soft factors" like love and attraction. But the truth is, can you ever really be sure of anything? I know so many people who have faked their kundalis to better their marriage prospects. In a love marriage, the real face of one or both partners comes out after marriage. So both come with their uncertainties.

I personally don't mind either, love or arranged but I think either extreme is bad. You cannot live only on love nor can you expect someone in this day and age to get married to someone they barely know. In our family even when the marriage is "arranged" the bride and groom are given a chance to get to know each other a little bit before the wedding.

Most people on this forum seem to be in favour of arranged marriages. But love marriages are not created equal. Let me talk about two cases I know.

Case 1: Blind love

This Eastern European girl I know has fallen for an Indian boy Y who imo is completely unsuitable for her. She is only 18 but she plans to marry this guy very soon. Nothing matches - she is upper middle-class, he lives in a council flat; she is educated in an international school, he has barely any education and is in a very low-paying job with little future prospects. He has responsibility of entire family on his head, including a mentally unstable mother. Lots of people have told her to reconsider but she is adamant that she truly loves him and that is enough. this is what I would call blind love. Love alone is not enough! Of course, their love could be true and it might be a great match but... I don't know what to think! Sometimes I feel so bad and snobbish for thinking like this and at other times I feel practical. *shrug*

Case 2:

Another boy and girl that I know met and instantly felt a deep connection which developed into a strong friendship. These guys are focusing more on education than marriage but if they do end up together, it might be called a "love marriage". But they are from the same community and they get along well with each other's family. What's more, even their kundalis match perfectly (36 gunas matching!!) So although I am not quite sure what true love like Polki describes is, I am inclined to think that this could be it. But what I think is, if it's really meant to be, both the hard factors (like community and kundalis) and soft factors (like "connection") will fall into place. Of course that is an idealistic view.

Anyway like Swati said, adjustment is key and both sides need to be willing to adjust to make it work. And you need to enter determined to make it work. That's why I hate prenuptial agreements.
Ultimately love and arranged marriage is not important, what is important is the attitude of the individuals.

Hey Puttu nice stories !!!

Well I dont know what being in love means because i have yet not experienced it I am happy loving my heroes
But one thing i know is both the marriages can be stable as well as unstable
I have seen many arrange marriages getting destroyed as well as love marriage getting successfull

Let me share something
My mother's friend's daughter got married to a very nicè family The boy was very educated and they were from upper middle class
But when she started her life she had worst experiences He had an affair..
Marriage was arranged, parents had done their work but her life was destroyed

Another thing,
My friend's elder sister had love marriage, she went against her parents wishes and eloped with him He was from different caste
Today she has one daughter, her parents rely on their SIL for every decision.. She is happy

Same with my cousin She had love marriage but yes Jiju is from same caste Well he is gem as a person

So i still believe Love can help us to struggle in life If marriage doesnt contain love , life becomes like compulsion We somewhere fail to enjoy our life
My POV of course

hey all..well i believe tht marriages work wen both are ready to compromise and adjust..whether arranged or love..if ur getting into a promise as huge as a marriage,thn u have to be prepared to work on it inspite everything..the only diff is tht in a love marriage,u have urself to blame and in arranged,ur parents..
my parents have had a arranged marriage and being two very strong personalities,they have seen huge ups and downs..times wen it used to get so bad,i used to think "separate and live in peace already",selfish of me,bt u see i was dumb to not see the support they gave each other wen needed,forgetting all their problems..wen i was a kid i used to think arranged marriages dnt work coz the parties dnt know the basic nature of each other..u wudnt know the basic flaws to which u cant adjust..bt as i grew up and wisened up,i realised the same issue lies even in love marriages if u look at the world thru rosy tinted glasses and REFUSE to see ur partner's faults.."love" as people generally see it,like kools said is mostly attraction..and people have very wierd ideas of love frankly..i have been immensely lucky to be wid a guy who RESPECTS me..tht for me was the most important thing..and still is..i know his family is a gamble which i understand,bt they are educated and have given him such morals and principles which i admire,so am thinking it cnt be intolerable,bt its the same even in an arranged marriage..i have heard horror stories of really well reputed families ending up torturing the girl for trivial issues..its a gamble,both cases..and maturity frm both parties is essential..MIL issues are universal,i guess,coz every single married friend or relative i have spoken to,sings the same song..sum things never change,i guess..whether love or arranged..
i lean more towards love marriages,IF they are fixed wid open eyes..i know a cousin who knew the guy since a good 8 years,and was one of the most adjusting girls i knew,bt her marriage went kaput within a yr or so citing rage issues on her husband's part..and frankly i dnt know HOW sumthng like this is not noticed in almost a decade..one cnt pretend for so long,can he?i dnt know..i found it sad and wierd really..now tho she is happily married again wid an adorable son..
plus,other vices,one gets to know if u are wid a person for a longer time,according to me..esp if ur in the same educational or work place,provided again tht u keep ur eyes and mind open to it..friends,if u hear thm out,tell u a lot of things tht u dnt notice..and it might just save u a lifetime of misery..friends generally have an aura for bullshit,which is lost in a person in the initial phase of attraction..in spiritual terms,called a "kalyan mitra"..very important person in ur life..
the main problem as i see,is blind expectations frm ur partner..and at the same time,not being able to see HIS/HER expectations frm u..its a two way street..if u have sum vision of ur future,even ur spouse does..one has to sit and find the middle road..i cnt say "i want my space" and not give him his..THT is the issue youngsters nowadays have..and the downfall of all..EGO..whether male or female,its bad..same goes for In-Law issues..u plan to pit ur spouse btwn his/her parents and u,thn be prepared for fireworks,he/she will agree wid u atmost 50% of the times,u cnt crib abt it later..deal wid each relation SEPARATE frm the other..this is sumthng i learnt frm another married friend of mine,who got this advice frm her mum..and i found it very very sensible..
most of my parents' generation are arranged marriages and most of my friends/cousins are love marriages..believe me,they sound exactly the same..lol...and the successful ones are those which have tht tact and sensibility to understand how and wen to adjust,control ur anger and ur ego..

Ufff...reading so mature views on a big promise and compromise called marriage, i am getting affraid of it
I have come to a conclusion, be it love or arrange , marriages are risky
Thank God i still have 6 to 7 years for my marriage i will enjoy my life till then

Reading everybody's views, experiences i now know that " Life is very different and difficult than i thought"

Kool di and Hope di , thank you for creating this blog ( a big hug)
I love this forum

Love is the most important part of life A marriage without love is very boring
Yes we can fall in love even after marriage but what if we dont

And what if the 'LOVE" in a so called love marraige goes away after the marraige ..........then WHAT ? Is there ANY guarantee that the LOVE will remain ?

What is LOVE ?

Does it remain forever or is it transitory ?

The concept of LOVE is subjective from person to person . Here in America I have seen couples in LOVE even after divorcing each other . U won't believe it , but sometimes people DIVORCE not coz they HATE each other but coz they SACRIFICE by letting go . There r instances where the Wife needs to move on in her career etc .........and the husband understandingly lets go . LOVE is very very subjective .

Then there are couples who cootchie coo before marraige and as anu rulz said , divorce AFTER 8 years of going out with each other . in the example she gave the man had rage issues that he kept concealed effectively for 8 years but once they lived toghether , the equation changed .

Then where did the lOVE go ? Was there anything called LOVe in the first place ?

I personally do NOT believe in LOVE at all . Thers no such thing . I believe only in humanity . Thats the only true emotion in ALL human beings . The more the degree of humanity , the better chances of a marraige surviving .

There is only a hierachy of needs in a human being's life that needs to be satisfied ...........First the need of parents , then need of partner , then children , then something more , like the search of God .

It is we who have hyped LOVE . Call me cynical if u want to but thats my firm belief .

Both marraiges .........arranged and Love r lotteries . Luck factor plays a big role .Yet I opt for the former .........why ?

Polki asked ........is security the only thing on which a marraige should be based ?

I say YES . An insecure LOVE marraige is worthless , it does not survive .. Even in a so called love marraige if u make ur choice by keeping security factor in ur mind , that marraige has greater chance of succeeding . If u see to it that the guy u fall in love with doesnt drink , flirt around , is a good provider , ur marraige will succeed .

If u fall 'in love' with his hero looks only , and ignore his past history of shuffling from job to job , u miss the obvious warning signs of LOSER and ur marraige starts cracking .

Its my earnest advice to ALL youngsters reading me ......DO NOT GO INTO MARRAIGE THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE WITH YOUR LOVE .

Human nature does NOT change . He or She may attempt to change in the new years of marraige but will slowly and surely go back to their roots and real nature . No one can change ANYONE . One can only change himself or herself .

If security is there , love follows automatically after soe time , do not over hype it . If u put ur mind to it , it happens just like any other thing . If u go into life thinking a shimmering feeling will overtake u from head to toe or something .........Well ..............I won't judge it and laugh at it [ I don't laugh at ANY thing .......each experience is true .}........if indeed u feel that way , good , but STILL theres no guarantee it will last forever .

Things change is the BLUNT fact of life . Feelings keep changing .

I LOVE security and the feeling of comfort and Non worry that security brings with it . A man who is capable of making me feel so secure , him I will LOVE . in TIME , if not immediately .Its ALL in My hands . Just as SEX is greatly over hyped as a wonderful experience with Sitar Music in background , LOVE is often over hyped by poets , literateurs and playwriters . The Truth is Sex can be a confusing experience and Love can easily Die just as it sprouted .

So basically what everyone is saying is that you should go in with your eyes wide open, as far as possible - whether it be a "love" or "arranged" marriage. Ultimately there is little difference between a well-thought out love and arranged marriage. I mentioned two cases. In the first case, I think it's a blind move, exactly the type of love marriage kooldi warns about. But I think the second case is a relationship (not yet marriage!) entered into with all eyes open - the partners thinking about security, respect, similarities etc.

I agree that times have changed, so we need to change as well. Unlike in my grandmother's time, one cannot expect a young girl or guy to get married without even meeting their partner. Even in an arranged marriage the couple meet a couple of times. Unfortunately, today the reach of the media is so pervasive, that even if you want to avoid it, these romantic expectations and ideas come into your mind. We all watch movies, read books etc. and because of these we get an idealized picture of love and romance. Of course I am not advocating shutting yourself off from the world (I am a very keen reader and movie buff myself) but I think that us young people should be aware that somehow subconsciously we do have these expectations, and that fiction is different from reality. I find this hard to do - I will be watching a nice romantic show and when I finish I have to shake myself and put myself back in the real world.

I agree KD... LOVE is not everything but LOVE is important
Di, I understant what you are trying to say about LOVE does not exist , but it does
I have seen many love marriages being successful , they cannot survive if a thing called LOVE did not exist
Love marriages too need basic thing which arrange marriages need If it lacks those needs , obviously it would be miserable

I agree on one part looks dont matter We should fall in love with a person and not looks

In arrange marriages a partner's behaviour , character , family are taken into consideration If the same things are considered while being in love why wont they be successful
As Puttu said blind love is always dangerous , but if we have the determination, confidence and ability to face the worst situation then i guess even they can be successful

If a person's concept of Love depends on what is shown in serial,films then i say the person is not behaving sensibly
But if harsh realities too are accepted then there is no harm in falling in LOVE

I have seen many love marriages being successful , they cannot survive if a thing called LOVE did not exist


They survive bcoz of the HUMANITY . More the degree of this wonderful quality in a human being and greater the chances of survival .

After the first feelings of immense attraction wears off , and the children etc come in the picture .......The marraige or the bond between the two spouses literally srvives on the kindness , large heart and forgiving capacity of their nature .

I have seen arranged and love marraiges among childless couples surviving . Some of them adopt children coz one of the spouse wishes it ........some prefer not to adopt but live life in solid companionship . They Have so much humanity in them that they treat each other with immense kindness and respect . All this is termed as LOVE . Remember ......its not sex , children , attraction that holds them together . Its the deep understanding of each other's pain and an unwillingness to let go of the hand of the human being who is suffering as he or she cannot bring a life into this world due to a physical defect . Its Kindness . Insaaniyat . Humanity . The other spouse actually CAN have a child of his own , can remarry . He or she DOESN"T . He opts to UNDERSTAND the other human being's pain and stay by his or her side . Thats HUMANITY .

What u call as LOVE is actually this Humanity only . Love changes ..........early feelings of attraction etc wear off . But this basic humanity remains .Its eternal and never changing and the more u tap into it , the more ur capable of LOVING ur spouse or anyone around u .